It’s been a long time since I’ve written to you (ok, it was last year, but I’m sure 37 year olds write to you all the time!)) but there’s some things I really want this year! I know being a up in the North Pole, you’re probably a Habs or Leafs fan, but we have a hockey team down here called the Florida Panthers. I know they’ve probably been off your radar because, well, we haven’t been very good for a long time.
And that’s why I’m hoping you’ll grant me some things off of my wish list. I feel I’ve been very good because I’ve stuck with my hockey team even though they’ve stunk to the heavens. As I’ve done so, I and other like me have faced the ridicule and scorn of other hockey fans who have had their teams make the playoffs or win the Stanley Cup (You can give them coal, or something worse. I know a couple of people who could help you out with the something worse, if you know what I mean).
So with that in mind, here’s my list. Please have mercy and help us out, big guy!
- A bona fide Sniper. He’d skate just as well as David Booth but he possess would a shot that wouldn’t make opposing goaltenders giggle as they calmly slap it away or glove it. He doesn’t even need to be the greatest on defense. I’m willing to be flexibile. He should be able to score at least 30 goals/season and be a force on the power play. North American or European, it’s your call.
- A first line center. You’re not going to believe this, but do you know who we’re passing off as a #1 centerman? Stephen Weiss! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not making fun of him (don’t want to end up on the naughty list!), but c’mon, even you know he’s in over his head. I respect him for wanting to say here and be part of the solution but, he’s on pace for 38 points this season! We’re in desperate need on this one, anything you can do would be a welcome change.
- Someone who goes to net. This one we need pretty bad right now because we’re having problems scoring goals. I mean, we have guys who do it occasionally, but I want someone who does it all the time. Someone not afraid of taking the bumps and bruises of it and realizes that garbage goals count just the same and win you hockey games.
- A playoff appearance. I think we’ve waited long enough down here. We have the longest playoff drought, yet we’ve never been last in total attendance. That’s pretty loyal, right? Sure, the drought has scared off the casual fans, but just imagine what a playoff berth would do! Capacity crowds, without Party City tarps! Fans actually cheering. And for the home team at that! Rats being tossed to the ice in droves after a home playoff win! They say you can do magic. Well that my pleasantly plump friend, would be magic!
- Speaking of Party City tarps, any chance you can get Panthers COO Michael Yormark to give it a rest of the incessant and often times embarrassing marketing gimmicks? Yeah, I know it helps the bottom line for a team that needs it, but PLEASE! As if we needed to give those who laugh any more ammo. Can’t we just be a hockey team for a little bit?
-And while I can go on and on and on and on, I’ll end with this last request: Just for one night, can I pick the music for the arena? Because, I don’t know who is doing it now, but for the most part it is AWFUL! Really, no hockey fan is getting into the game more by playing Party In The USA during stoppages. Teen bubble gum pop doesn’t get the blood flowing! Just once? Please?
I know some of this is a pretty tall order, and I know you’re busy, but we’re desperate down here. People like Jackass Edwards from NESN are saying our team should go elsewhere. We really do like hockey down here. Heck, there are even high schools who play competitive hockey here! So, please keep us in mind as you make your big journey in a few weeks!
- December 1st marks the first night of Hanukkah. For all of our readers who celebrate, Happy Hanukkah.
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